@TheToddWilliams

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

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@thenatewolf

Reading about Selena Gomez getting a kidney from her best friend and thinking about my friend who said he didn’t like to loan out his DVDs.

@LetMeStart

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

@KKAlThani

“Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?” – how waiters should greet people

@JeffMyspace

Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?

@KentWGraham

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

@MicroSFF

“Wait,” the thief said, “before you eat me-”
“What?” said the dragon.
“- let me see your treasure.”
“My hoard? I slept on it when you came in.”
“But where is your gold?”
The dragon nodded at the hoard of yarn. “It paid for that.”
“But why?”
“I knit. Here, take this jumper.”

@only_one_ee

Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.

@RachelNoise

Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.