[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
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Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Put the is in disheveled
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
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cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?