[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
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warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.