Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
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Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??