Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
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This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
You had me at “define legal”.
It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Calm down ma’am, the only other people that want your man is local Law Enforcement.