Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
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WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him