Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
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Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…