Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
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Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Carpe DM
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!