Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?

me: do you sell ducks?

him: yes, but they’re going quick

me: ok I’ll take one

[later]
duck: quick
me: I see

“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer

An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

*pronounces injury like lingerie*

The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy

Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time