Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
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I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
where the womens at?
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.