Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
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What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you