#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
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My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?