Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.

To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?

Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.

Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart

Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.

Can’t. Sorry…

As a recovering nice-aholic I have to abstain from that sort of thing.

Ladies,

When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.

If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra

The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

Me: Go to bed

4-year-old: But I have questions!

Me: You’re stalling

4: I need to know!

Me: What?

4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”

Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!

I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.

Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

Me: Okay, you’re up

Kid: …. Trick or Treat

Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!

Kid: Mom, this is stupid

Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

As we are leaving the car wash, passing the self-service bays, 6yo says, “oohh that’s how poor people wash their cars” and now I have to teach her a lesson and make her do all our laundry in the creek.

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?