Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
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bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
*pouring wine over ice cream*
No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.