Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”

I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

What’s a Messi?

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still

me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong

waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good

me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow

Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?

Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?

Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.

“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama

My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.

[getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats

Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries

Me: Even if I-

Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat

Me: *purrs*

Her: Still no

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.

Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.