Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
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Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.