Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
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Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.