Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Gym]

Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!

Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*

Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!

*opens bag of chips*

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t

Picture the perfect woman.

Wrong.

You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”

My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.

“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”

Every child ever: No you’re not.

Friend: Hi, How have you been?

Me: Why? What have you heard?

I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity

coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater

me *in my regular sweater*: thanks

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.

pain

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.