Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
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I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.