Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
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In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?