Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
You Might Also Like
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
found this cool rock hiking today
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Every work call, he judges.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.