Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
You Might Also Like
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.
10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
“How stressed are you?”
Me:
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
