Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
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Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
house sitting!
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.