Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White clothes: lol same.

Cereal is basically dog food for humans.

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

my friends when i can’t do basic math

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.

“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.

Courageously battles through my ice cream headache

History fun fact:

In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”

Frog: “ribbit”

God: “haha, alright man”

My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.

Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked

Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order

Me: And I have some ideas

it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.