Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.

Parts of a worm:
1) Worm

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield

6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that

Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*

taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

Me, scrolling to find my birth year

Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”

a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.

[inventing worcestershire ​sauce]

Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.

Perrins: That might work.

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.