Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs

I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol

MICHELANGELO: what

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”

Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!

My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]