Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

Somedays I just love AI so much

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap

5 ways to appear taller

Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.

FRIEND: let’s hang out

ME: *takes out my accordion*

ENEMY: I changed my mind

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton

going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”

How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.

Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.

[mocking jay part 2]

jay: come on guys please stop

Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯

her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?

I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…

“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own

How much for the goth pool noodles?

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.

Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers

Taxidermist: you’re fired

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”