Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?

Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.

Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.

On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

Drove past two First Baptist churches.

One of them is lying.

mom: how was the ballgame

me: they showed sex on tv

mom: what?

dad: he means the kiss cam

me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours

Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol

some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon

The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.

Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine

I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.

If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team

Me: Okay… Time for bed.

Brain: Cool.

Me:

Brain:

Me:

Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.

Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now

[ interview ]

cable company: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?

cable company: when can you start

me: between monday and july

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices

This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do