Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”

The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.

me: 🙁

doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.

me: 😂

For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.

watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit

Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave

When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣

My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.

In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.

*tries to lose weight by talking about it*

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.

guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it

As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.

My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.