other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
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When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Covid like
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Rooting for the overdog
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
This kid is going places
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house