OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
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a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer: