Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

Before countdowns were invented:

*6:30 at Chili’s*

Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet

Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?

His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

me: hey siri

siri: (long, deep sigh) what

Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines

Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.

kinda feel like the bridge overreacted

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.

My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.

If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…

Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

walmart: why do u want to work here?

me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me

walmart: why would u tell us that

me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks through the cattlelog.