OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
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Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.