other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
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Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
first you must answer his riddles
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Breaking news:
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
in 3 months
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Succinctly put.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they