Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr: What are some of your hobbies?

“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”

Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.

Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

Essential viewing in these troubled times.

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.

You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

[first day after lying on my job application]

me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something

co-pilot: what

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.

So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?

I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it

Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.

I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store

The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?

When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction

Oldest kid: [Sick]

Youngest kid: [Sick]

Wife and me: [Staring each other down]

Wife: [Sneezes]

Me: Hahaha there can only be one-

Wife: [Sneezes on me]

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.