Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar

KID 911: wats ur emergency

SON: cant find my shoes

KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?

SON: yes!

KID 911: then it is lost forever

This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?

Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.

Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!

Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.

YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.

WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.

THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening

Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.

hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in ufo]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?

Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy

Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

I’ve got 99 problems…

<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>

BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me

Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.

Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.