Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
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Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁