Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
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I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
All your better biblical epics have one thing in common: no skimping on the camel budget.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.