Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…

And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”

Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?

God: just turn around

Almost every animal: ok

Owl: I absolutely will not

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”

Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick

The End

My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?

If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.

My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.

Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.

Alcohol: *ears perk up*

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors

Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings

God: But if you use your sting you will die.

Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?

God: Err…

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.

If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*

The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.