OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
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Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
family: we’re having ground turkey this year
me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I will never stop laughing at this
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.