Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”

*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

*Asteroid crushes Earth*

“Dammit Dad.”

I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”

The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job

Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.

– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook

[blind date]

Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?

Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.

Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.

Doritos – my own personal love triangles.

My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time

How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.

[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you

Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.

Me:

i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.

Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?

Me, at front door: I’m going running

Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?

Me: It’s me!

Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP

when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.