Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
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(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.