Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
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The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
#JohnTravolta
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻♂️
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.