Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
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A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
