Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LA today:

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

Him: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Usually.

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”

People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.

My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not

clean window: [exists]

toddlers: what’s that taste like

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?

Me: *jumps out the window*