Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
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Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing