Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
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Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Tuesday
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
*eats only grass-fed donuts
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Going to church you guys need anything
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha