@BoomBoomBetty: Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
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@ThisAlexStein: In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
@eminmien: AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!! ME: [picks it up] I feel fine. AMULET: uh, I'm trying but- I can't make ur life any worse.
@panmidwest: me: i will have the chicken parmesan waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir me: no parm, no fowl