Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”

People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical

Coworker: What was your college major?

Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Me: *lies down to sleep*

Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.