Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
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I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
True.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️