Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
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It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
#dnd #ttrpg
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
When someone trying to leave me
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?