Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Joining a gang]

me: so who do I stab for initiation?

members: again, this is a book club

[ speed dating ]

Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.

Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.

“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair

Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.

Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.

People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.

Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.

Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT

Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.

[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first

Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.

GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!

ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.

I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”

If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.

The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

Doug is just Canadian for dog

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba