Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
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What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
Good dog. ❤️
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.