Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
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My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
just got my engagement photos
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.