Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
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Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.
I’m ex-static!
#DadJoke
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I think this might be relevant today.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
I found your tweet-up…
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
