Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.

To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.

Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…

Be there, will be wild!

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real

me: family! regale me with tales of your day!

5: good

2: yes

hubs: same

If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

someone: *obvious flirt*

me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice

also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues

Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..

Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.

My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now

~ toddlers

The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

2044: the weekend becomes sentient.

2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND

[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”