Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
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Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You