Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.

Typos are what differentiates is from robots

they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

out-housing market appears to be strong

Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?

Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.

You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through

[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in

me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*

her: nope just crazy

me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons

“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!

you can read the whole thing here:

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

That’s amazing can I get a bud light please

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill

When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.

*checks real estate listings on other planets*

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.

Me: I’ll never be like my parents

Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.