Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
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You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Me, reading some of your tweets
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*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
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*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
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