Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
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I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
My beach vacation Google searches
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.