Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
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“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh