Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK

When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything

NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣

Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!

Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!

Beers ranked:

1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer

I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.

Me: We will leave in a little bit

8: After you put your makeup on?

Me: I have my makeup on!

8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.

Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?

Me: Well vampires don’t exis-

Boy: Can you beat a black hole?

Me: A black hole is-

Boy: A rhino?

Me: The thi-

Boy: A T-Rex?

Me: Wel-

Boy: Mike’s dad?

Me: Yes.

Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?

The princess and the pea

But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus

Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!

*Starts doing laundry*

Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.

Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah!

[Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on