Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want

Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?

Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.

Interviewer: How soon can you start?

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

* Kindergarten*

Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]

[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!

Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.

Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.

Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…

Me: That’s all I got my man.

when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation

guys I’m going home

I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do busboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.

I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol

I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.