Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
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Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
A little too much information.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.