Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
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them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
me after eating Cheetos
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long