Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
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me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.
“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Sometimes I’ll start talking to someone on the train, then go “Oh, this is where I get off” then close my eyes & stick my hand in my pants.