Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
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I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker: