Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.

Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?

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Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit


me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here


My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.


[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”


“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.


Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*


Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.

Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.

Me: My truck.


If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s


[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”


Sometimes I’ll start talking to someone on the train, then go “Oh, this is where I get off” then close my eyes & stick my hand in my pants.