Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.

I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.

Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”

Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*

*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly

WHAT DO WE WANT!!!

A cure for hangovers

WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!

Please stop yelling

Guantanamo Bae

I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.

Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”

The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome

If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala

#polloftheday

despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

[at 25yr class reunion]

Me: You haven’t changed at all!

Her: Hahaha, thanks

Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane

Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.

Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.

Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.

In which case, everyone hates you.

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.