Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
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“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.