Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
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You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Good boy 😂😂
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.