Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
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Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Thanks to a fan for this one!
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..