Others: I run so I can eat pizza
Me: I just…eat pizza
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Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…