Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.

[calendar naming committee]

BOSS: how should we spell the second month

GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea

Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?

I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.

Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube

Jimmy Fallon:

Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*

Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great

I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there

we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053

No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been

There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above

Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…

Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.

me: do that thing i like

him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

I’m so full I could puke a horse

TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier

Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!

Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*

Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!

Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit