Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
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Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I think we should hear other voices.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.