Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.

me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you

daughter: no I have my own banana

me: haha I know but its like a phone

daughter: how

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.

Morning my dudes.

Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.

Me: I’ll have a medium coffee

Barista: That’ll be $3.95

Me: With a splash of almond milk

Barista: That’ll be $17.95

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole

detective: and that’s what killed him?

coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no

Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize

*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!

Job interviewer: …And a weakness?

how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me

That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.

Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.