Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
You Might Also Like
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?