Otters drive ottermobiles.
You Might Also Like
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Don’t we all.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”