Otters drive ottermobiles.
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Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
pain
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED