Otters see a butterfly.
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As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake