Otters see a butterfly.
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Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No